A Weapon of Self-Destruction

[Delerium]

Ha... ha ha ha. I've done it again.
Although... I dunno, I feel somehow this is gonna turn out for the best, you know? Just this... little feeling in my heart. Heh, and here I thought I'd forsaken hope when the world turned its back on me. Wierd.
I dunno what I was thinking when I registered to this school. I mean, I graduated from high school four years ago with honours and had practically every university in my state offering scholarships.
Don't know why I turned them all down... Oh yeah, that's why... But nevermind.
I must've been having a severe lapse of reason that day. Not only did I register for this odd boarding school claiming to help me with some abilities I've kept hidden for most of my life, I also damned myself to a hellish existence for a few months all for the sake of pride. That Cobalt... I'm gonna bust his ass down to the level of an infant. Shinegami seems like such a nice girl, and he treated her like a sack of rank crap. That ain't right. I'm gonna find out what really makes him tick and throw it in his face somehow...
But, whatever. That'll take time, and I've got the patience.
I sometimes wonder... if I didn't have my pride, what would I have?
I wish mom would call me sometime...

-Arkasha

[Delerium]

I'm not sure why, but since I've been staying here I've been reminiscing an awful lot... And smoking less, although that's more due to the fact that there's no smoking allowed on school grounds. Sometimes I'd kill for a cigarette, even though I AM trying to quit...
I swear!
I'm down to one pack every two weeks!
But anyway... Yeah, I've been reminiscing - neat word, if a little difficult to spell...

I'll never forget the night of my 19th birthday. My friends had conspired to throw me a surprise party and I, oblivious to the fact that my father would meet his maker the very next day, had completely let myself go and had a blast. I'd never had so much fun! ...Nor have I since. Elsie MADE me a Kuro plushie! Don't know what her attraction is to a cartoon character, but hey, it was an expression of love!
Anyways...
While stoned out of my tree, my girlfriend at the time and two of her friends got the better of me and managed to pin me to the couch. Oh man... Elsie (my girlfriend) was straddling my thighs and poking my flanks, stopping frequently only to slide a hand under my shirt and run her fingernails across the sensitive skin of my belly, while Michiko and Kathy each had an arm and tickled my ribs mercilessly. Oy. Helpless and breathless with laughter, I could do nothing but beg them to stop. Yeah, me. Begging.
I thought I was gonna DIE. Seriously.
But, it's kinda funny, now that I look back on it; I'd never felt so vulnerable, so helpless in my whole life, and yet I remember the incident fondly without a shred of embarrassment. Which is odd, because the only thing I hate more than how bloody ticklish I am is feeling like I can't do a damned thing - oh, and hospitals. Anything to do with doctors and/or clinics will always be at the top of my blacklist. Bleh.
Meh, it was a lot of fun.
I think the reason I remember it so well is due to the fact that it was the last time I had so much fun with my friends without feeling like I was either gonna pay for it later or that I should be fulfilling my responsibilities. Responsibilities I had foisted upon me when my father died, that is.
I wonder if my old friends spare a thought for me now and then? I'd like to call some of them, but... I dunno, It just doesn't seem right after all this time.
And Elsie. Should I call her? I think I should at least send her an email or something. Maybe we could meet for coffee sometime, or... no. No.
I'm already a fool, but doing this would make me a masterpiece of a fool. Elsie deserves better.
The world has forsaken me, and to try reclaiming what I once had would only shatter my poor heart further. I do miss her though. Terribly. I even miss her constant tickle attacks on my person. I think if I... Bah. I should just stop thinking.

-Arkasha

[Delerium]

Someone got a hold of my journal today. Her name is Mayanalea Saloon. I don't know how much she saw, but that look she gave me, and the words she spoke before leaving... I admire you without even knowing you.
I felt... I felt so... good. Yeah, that sounds corny, and lame, and cheesy, but I did. It didn't terrify me or embarrass me to know that someone had gotten a glance inside me. And... I just... I dunno. My head's spinning right now. Is it wrong to want to confide in someone? I've always told myself that it is, but now... Bah! some stupid, infantile side of me just wants to go find her and confess all my secrets, all my pain, all my feelings. And why?! Just because she seems to care?!
I'm such an idiot.
I never realized until today just how much I've yearned for someone to get close to me. For someone to get to know me. For someone to actually want to. Was I fishing for it without even realizing it? Probably. I am a fool, after all.
And then there's Dementia. She frightens me and excites me all at the same time. Especially that look she gave me today, and the hint of intention I picked up from her as she brushed past me. The logical side of me insists most vehemently that I DO NOT want to know what her thoughts and feelings of me are, but the innate curious side of me wants to know more, is urging me to pursue the issue and uncover more.
Dementia and Maya.
One is probably plotting some vile torture to commit on my person, and the other I'm 6 years older than and would be technically commiting statutory rape if I so much as approach her with an unchaste thought in my mind.
Wow. I'm in waayyyy over my head.
...And loving it. I can't remember the last time I've felt so alive.

-Arkasha

[Delerium]

I don't know what it was about lastnight, but I was reminded of my most recent battle against a vampire - yeah, it was damn near a year ago, but by Oxford definition it's still the most recent. Yeah, yeah, I know; shut up Arkasha, you damn smart ass.
It had been a Ravager. One of the worst. The same type that had... killed my father. If not for my reflexes and heightened senses, I'm pretty sure I would've joined my father that night. Ravagers are a living nightmare. All the hatred and grudges they bore in life are twisted into a tangible power once the individual loses his humanity completely. These powerful negative emotions manifest into different abilities; like one that allows the Ravager to inflict excruciating pain by merely touching a living thing. Skin on skin, of course; whether by the nature of their powers or the fact that vampires are fiends for intimate contact, I cannot say - and I'm quite sure I don't want to know the answer. Another simply smashing ability they have is to take on the form of who or what you fear the most. I've heard of some vampire slayers merely dying of fright because of this.
Not from the Belmont clan, of course. We're too good for such cheap circus tricks.
Still, seeing one's own father as a vampire, and then to have terrible agony rip through your body when he touches your face in a seemingly fatherly gesture of love...
It sounds idiotically stupid (redundant, I know; leave me alone), but I felt... betrayed. Somehow, with my father's face leering down at me with sadistic glee as I was bent double, paralyzed with pain, reflected just how I felt about him. I mean, if he had truly loved my mother and I, why did he go off and get himself killed by picking a fight he must've known he couldn't win?
It was the ultimate betrayal of our love, I felt. Yes, as Belmonts, we have a sworn duty to hunt those who dwell in the night, but... Why did he have to go out that night at that particular time? It was the day after my nineteenth birthday, and we had been supposed to go and do some father-son time, but no! Dad 'had a funny feeling' and wanted to investigate, like that was more important than me!
Dammit, I'm being an idiot again... Don't even remember why I damn well started thinking about this. I guess sometimes I'm just a sucker for punishment, who knows?
Eeeeeemo.
Bleah. Yuck. Ewwwww.
I'm gonna stop now before I impugn my honour any further.
Oh yes, now I remember. Dementia. Why did she lead me on like that? Ah well, it doesn't matter, and I don't want to think about it anymore.
Maybe I should go and find Maya... just her presence alone seems to soothe me. That, or I should try calling mom again and - no. The last thing mom needs to hear about is that I'm thinking about dad... I hope she's still going to AA...
Speaking of which, I could KILL for a cigarette right now.
Maya... I need you right now more than ever, but I can never tell you. You deserve better.
Like someone closer to your age, for starters... Oy.
Krassny.

-Arkasha

[Krispey]

Dear Arkady....Yes, I am actually writing in your journal...Sorry if the hand writting seems a little shakey, but you were just nearly crushed to death by a collasped ceiling. I don't, but you do, probably know what the cause of it was....Whatever, or whoever it was, it or they will suffer.
And please, dont frett...I have not, and will not read any other section of your journal. Hell, I know Im taking a risk by just writting in it. I hope you dont hate me for this. I wanted to let you know that I didnt realize how much you meant to me until that ceiling nearly crushed you. I dont know if you heard me, but I was calling for you, yelling your name, I was worried. But now, I know you'll be okay. With some support and proper medical treatment, you'll be better in no time...Ill be here every step of the way.

Love,
Mayanalea Saloon [/color][/size]

[Delerium]

Maya... Thank you. Ah, I'm crying now... how childish of me. But...
Someone cares about me. Someone cried for me. Someone made a place for me in their heart.
The Ball, the fair, the infirmary... I wasn't dreaming. I wasn't imagining things.
Maya, everything you've done for me means more to me than I could ever tell you.
Thank you.
You mean more to me than anyone else right now... Yeah, corny, huh? But, I don't care.
Thank you for caring.

I don't know why you haven't come to see me recently, but I trust you. I know you'll pop back into my life when you're ready. I'll be waiting, I promise. You've convinced me that I'm doing the right thing.
I don't know if you'll ever read this, but know that these words all came straight from heart and soul.

I... I think I'm falling for you.

-Arkasha